J013 - ISKOR (Contributed by NMT - 23 Sept. 2005)

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May igwa sin daraga na balikbayan nga nag-uli sa inda probinsya. Tungod kay gab-i na siya nag-abot, wara na sin naga-biyahe pakadto sa inda lugar na medyo harayo pa hali sa sentro. Damo siya sin gin-offeran na arkilahon pero wara mag-gusto kay gab-i na kag delikado sa dalan. Sa kadugayan, napagusto niya an usad na gurang na may tartanilya o kalesa sa usad na kondisyon.

GURANG: Iduhol ta ikaw basta sabot kita nga kada odo san kabayo, pa-iskoron mo ako.

Tungod kay gusto na gayod san daraga makauli sa inda kay nagahalarom na an gab-i, nag gusto siya san kondisyon san gurang. Nagbiyahe sinda.

San nagadalagan na sinda, taod-taod nag udong an kabayo. Umudo an kabayo. Nakatawa an gurang.

GURANG: Ta naman kita sini kay adi nag-odo man an kabayo? An aton sabot? ".

DARAGA: Lo, basi kun puede nga diri mo nala ako iskoran, dagdagan ko nala an akon bayad"

GURANG: An sabot, sabot!

Tungod kay nabaraka an daraga na basi kun diri siya ideretso pagduhol san gurang kay may sabot gani sinda, nag-pa iskor siya. Pakahuman, nagpadayon sinda.

Pag-abot na pod sa unhan, umudong an kabayo kag nag-odo. Katawa na pud an gurang.

GURANG: Hehehe.. day, iskor na pud ako kay nag-odo man an kabayo.

DARAGA: Lo, tama na lo, oy.

GURANG: An sabot, sabot!

DARAGA: Grabe si Lolo oy! Kay kahilig lang gihapon. Sige na gani. Kundiri ko la gayod gusto makaabot na sa amon.

Pakahuman, padayon na pud sinda pagbiyahe. Taod-taod na pud nag-odo naman an kabayo, lipay pirme an gurang. Hasta nga nakapira an gurang kag gin ganahan na pud an daraga. Pag-utro odo san kabayo, nangawa an daraga kay wara na magkatawa an gurang. Wara na liwat magsabi sin iskor. Ginkapoy na gali an gurang. An daraga nabadli kay kun diin ganado na siya, amo pa liwat maghabo na an gurang.

GURANG: Aw nano daw an ginsabsab sini na kabayo kay naglain man an tiyan?

DARAGA: Ta naman kita sini Lo kay adi nag-odo na pud an kabayo? Sabi mo ma iskor ka kada odo san kabayo?

GURANG: Day, habo na ako kay kapoy na.

DARAGA: Lo, an sabot, sabot!

GURANG: Bahala na liwat mag-irigit inan kabayo, diri na gayod ako!

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J012 - FILIPINO SIGNS (Contributed by Florante "Jun" Bautista - 22 Sept. 2005)

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(From THE FAR EASTERN ECONOMIC REVIEW)
By Nury Vittachi

THERE'S A SIGN ON Congressional Avenue in Manila that says: "Parking for Costumers Only." This may be a misspelling of "customer." But the Philippine capital is so full of theatrical, brightly dressed individuals that I prefer to think it may actually mean what it says.

This week, we'll take a reading tour of one of the most spirited communities in Asia. The Philippines is full of wordplay. The local accent, in which F and P are fairly interchangeable, is often used very cleverly, such as at the flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction. Much of the wordplay in the Philippines is deliberate, with retailers favouring witty names, often based on Western celebrities and movies. Reader Elgar Esteban found a bread shop called Anita Bakery, a 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day and Night, a garment shop called Elizabeth Tailoring and a hairdresser called Felix The Cut.

Smart travellers can decipher initially baffling signs by simply trying out a Taglish (Tagalog-English) accent, such as that used on a sign at a restaurant in Cebu: "We Hab Sop-Drink In Can An In Batol." A sewing accessories shop called Beads And Pieces also makes use of the local accent.

Of course, there are also many signs with oddly chosen words, but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a tragedy to "correct" them. A reader named Antonio "Tonyboy" Ramon T. Ongsiako (now there's a truly Filipino name) found the following: In a restaurant in Baguio: "Wanted: Boy Waitress;" on a highway in Pampanga: "We Make Modern Antique Furniture;" on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan: "We Shoot You While You Wait;" on the glass wall of an eatery in Panay Avenue in Manila: " Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier."

Some of the notices one sees are thought-provoking. A shoe store in Pangasinan has a sign saying: "We Sell Imported Robber Shoes." Could these be the sneakiest
sort of sneakers? On a house in Jaro, Iloilo, one finds a sign saying: "House For Rent, Fully Furnaced ." Tonyboy commented, "Boy, it must be hot in there."  Occasionally, the signs are quite poignant. Reader Gunilla Edlund saw one at a ferry pier outside Davao, southern Philippines, which said: "Adults: 1USD; Child: 50 cents; Cadavers: subject to negotiation."

But most are purely witty, and display a love of Americana. Reader Robert Harland spotted a bakery named Bread Pitt, a Makati fast-food place selling maruya (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey, a water-engineering firm called Christopher Plumbing, a boutique called The Way We Wear, a video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental, a restaurant in the Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken, a local burger restaurant called Mang Donald's, a doughnut shop called MacDonuts, a shop selling lumpia (meat parcels) in Makati called Wrap and Roll, and two butchers called Meating Place and Meatropolis.

Tourists from Europe may be intrigued to discover shops called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia. Both sell a type of Chinese pastry called hopia. What's the story? The names are explained thus: Holland Hopia is the domain of a man named Ho and Poland Hopia is run by a man named Po. People in the Philippines also redesign English to be more efficient. "The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words," says reader Rob Goodfellow. He came across a sign that said "House Fersallarend." Why use five words (house for sale or rent) when two will do?

Tonyboy Ongsiako explains why there was so much wit in the Philippines. "We come from a country where you require a sense of humour to survive," he says. "We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors."
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